Anxiety's Not All Bad

Once upon a time, there was a couple in their mid-twenties who had been married for a little over two years.  The husband went out to local taverns with his friends at least once per week.  He often did not come home until 3:00 or 4:00 am.  This was back in 1991, long before cell phones. It was difficult for his wife to get in touch with him and she worried about where he was, what he was doing and his safety. The husband was not a bad man; he had oodles of positive qualities.  And the wife had many faults of her own; she was far from perfect.  Anyway, the wife worried so much that she lost her voice for several weeks.  She barely ate for about a month due to an ulcer she developed from worrying.  She had difficulty sleeping when he was out late and often went to work tired.  Finally, the wife realized she was experiencing full blown anxiety and made an appointment with a therapist.  During one of their appointments, the therapist asked her, “What good is the worry doing you?  How is it helping the situation?”  She thought about this for a few moments then told him she could not think of a single benefit of worrying.  It did not help her husband come home sooner. It did not help him drink less. It did not improve their relationship. It only made her sick and miserable.  It was as if a lightning bolt had struck the woman.  She suddenly realized it was possible to go through these experiences without worrying about them.  It changed her life.  She started to focus on her own interests and activities.  It also made her less connected to her husband because she wasn’t spending so much time focusing on him.  Ultimately, the marriage ended and they both would say they are better off not being married to each other.  The anxiety helped the woman understand that there was something wrong in her life.  Spoiler alert:  That woman was me.

There are times when anxiety gets a bad rap.  Our culture has taught us to avoid discomfort at all costs.  We immediately want Tums for our indigestion and Advil if our muscles are sore.  There are certainly times when these medications are needed, but often, we haven’t taken the time to listen to what our stomach and muscles are trying to tell us.  Our bodies are miraculous machines that do a beautiful job of communicating with us.  Perhaps our indigestion is signaling to us that we ate too late or too much.  It’s worth considering so we learn to do a better job of scheduling our meals or limiting our food intake.  Maybe our sore muscles are reminding us to stretch or that we’ve been neglecting our triceps.

Anxiety might be serving a similar purpose.  Please know that there are times when anxiety is uncontrollable and therapy and medication are needed to manage it.  This is real and important to note.  But there are also times when we see our anxiety as a boulder that’s been put in our path and is impossible to get around.  Quite often, anxiety is a signal that we’re in real danger, we’re doing something we haven’t done before, or we care deeply about the outcome of a situation.  Anxiety can be a healthy, productive emotion.

Let’s say you’re meeting with your supervisor for your annual performance review.  They tell you they’re unhappy with your performance because you’ve been late every day, you’re not bringing in enough revenue, or your co-workers are saying you’re not a team player.  You might feel anxious about work for a while.  Your anxiety is reminding you that you should improve your work.  It’s serving an important purpose, especially if you don’t want to lose your job.

What if we’re driving down a two-lane highway and a car coming in the opposite direction starts to swerve over the center line?  We’re going to feel anxious and that feeling is going to propel us to move our vehicle out of the way.  I don’t know about you but I want to feel anxious in that situation.  It’s going to help me act quickly.

Avoiding the feeling of anxiety can leave us trapped.  If we don’t ever want to feel uncomfortable we might never take chances.  If flying in an airplane makes us anxious, we might avoid overseas travel and never discover exotic places and cultures.  If exams make us anxious, we might not go back to school to get the degree we’ve always wanted. We might be limiting our experiences and options.  Avoiding anxiety has a cost.

I work with many young people who avoid new or stressful situations.  They feel there’s something wrong with them if they feel anxious.  It takes a lot of convincing for them to understand that uncomfortable feelings are part of life.  If we don’t ever experience fear and worry, we won’t ever experience peace and joy.

It’s worth pointing out that adolescents have many stressors today that we never experienced.  Social media, rampant bullying, worries about school safety and the environment can feel overwhelming.  But it’s also worth pointing out that many of our young people have either been protected from experiencing struggle in their lives or haven’t been given the tools to manage it and understand that feelings aren’t facts and they don’t last forever.

Photo by Domingo Alvarez E on Unsplash

There’s a wonderful quote from Anne Lamott, one of my favorite authors.  She says, “In scary times, we need to remember to remember.”  We need to remember other hard times we’ve experienced and how we’ve figured out a way to get around the boulder.

For those of you under the age of 40, I want to give you some fantastic news about aging. One of the benefits is looking back at all the mistakes you made and lessons you learned. You realize how they made you into the person you are today. And if you remember how easy it was to make the mistakes, and how difficult it was to make positive choices, you will become an empathetic human.

So I challenge you.  Try riding the wave the next time you feel anxious.  See where it takes you.  Maybe you’ll learn something new about yourself.  Or maybe you’ll discover your anxiety has become crippling and it’s time to take the next step in getting some help for yourself.Thanks for reading Let Me Share With You! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Resources

If you or someone you love is feeling suicidal, please use the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

For more information on anxiety, the Anxiety & Depression Association of America

Find the Right Therapist with Good Therapy

For more information about, or to find a book by, author Anne Lamott