Are You Ready?
How to know the right time to make a decision
Being ready…. How do we know when we’re ready to make a change? This is a topic I think about often. I’ve been confronted with many difficult decisions in life, as have many of you. There have been instances when it’s hard to move forward and I’ve felt stuck. Feeling ready doesn’t always come easily to me.
I first started thinking about readiness after I separated from my husband. We had a very long separation before divorcing, three years to be exact. We saw a lot of each other during that time, and I can’t speak for him, but I struggled feeling ready to make the decision to either reconcile or divorce. People were critical. I often heard, “either shit or get off the pot,” a phrase I abhor to this day. Ultimately, we both decided it was best to move on separately. Once I made the decision, I knew it was the right one. There were a couple events that led me there but I’m not sure I would have decided to divorce had the same events happened one or two years earlier. The time was right. I was ready.
Another time I felt ready was the day I chose to quit drinking. I had half-heartedly tried to quit many times before but only succeeded for short amounts of time. “I won’t drink this week,” or, “I’m only going to have one glass of wine after work each night.” Each attempt would last a few days at most. But when I decided to quit for good, it was an instantaneous decision and I knew I had to do it. It was like God finally said enough is enough and gave me the willpower to follow through. That was over eight years ago, and to date, with my Higher Power’s help, I have never relapsed. I was ready.
The same was true when I went to Hazelden for addiction treatment. I had been miserable trying to quit on my own but wasn’t ready to open up and be honest about what I was going through. I lived with the shame of being an alcoholic for a year. But once I decided on treatment it was a done deal. I called that afternoon and was admitted five days later. I was ready.
After reading this you might think I’m slow to make decisions and tend to drag out the process. That’s not always true. In some cases I’m quick to act. Some might say I’m impulsive at times. I’ve had several jobs in my lifetime and don’t ever hesitate to change if the right opportunity presents itself. I got married much too young and without a lot of planning as to what our marriage would look like. (Hence the divorce.) I’ve also been quick to start hobbies, volunteer for activities and adopt pets.
I think about readiness a lot at my job in a behavioral health hospital unit. Many of our patients struggle with addiction or unhealthy habits they’re trying to break. Quite often I’ll talk with one of them and observe that they know they should be ending an unproductive habit but aren’t fully committed to it. They aren’t ready. Sometimes our providers or staff can prompt them or guide them toward taking the plunge but other times it doesn’t work. We frequently see those people come back to us months later.
I’m not going to pretend there’s a simple equation that makes us ready to change, but in my case, there is a distinct pattern.
I don’t have regrets about a decision if I make it when I’m ready. I don’t regret any of the choices I mentioned earlier. Even my marriage, which ended in divorce, showed me what I needed in a partner and how I could be a better one.
Sometimes I’ve had to dip my toe in the water to build confidence before making a decision. With my marriage, I separated for a long time and knew I could survive on my own. The confidence in changing jobs came from adjusting easily to new workplaces and careers in the past.
There are benefits to talking with other people but no one knows what’s best for us. We have to feel it ourselves to know we’re on the right track. Sometimes that comes with time and difficult but valuable lessons.
There are instances when we need to ignore all our internal clutter and let our Higher Power (whether it be God, nature, cosmic energy or Santa Claus) guide us to the right decision. Letting go of the outcome can be freeing and result in a decision that brings peace.
I want to point out that there is a difference between not knowing the right thing to do and knowing, but being afraid to do it. Not knowing what to do requires a lot of reflection, weighing pros and cons and expressing your thoughts to someone you trust so they can help you work through the muddy details. When we’re afraid to change, we usually have to be incredibly honest with ourselves about what we fear and carefully work to overcome those fears. Therapy can be helpful in these circumstances.
Is there a change you’re struggling to make?
a step toward better health
leaving a relationship
starting a relationship
visiting the doctor because of an ongoing ailment
purchasing a new home
finding a new job
Take a walk to clear your head. Are you afraid or do you really not know what to do? Let go of control and summon your Higher Power. The answer will come when you’re ready.
Resources
An article in Psyche Magazine How To Make a Difficult Decision
42 Courses’ 5 Tools For Making Better Decisions
Life Hacker’s List of the 10 Most Difficult Decisions You'll Have to Make
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This Week’s Challenge
Identify a decision you’re struggling to make. Is there something that’s always in the back of your mind or weighing you down? Once you pinpoint it, take a look at these two mind maps. They may be able to help you work through your decision process. The first is an example that’s been partially completed so you can see how it works. The second one is blank for you to use with your own decision. We’d love to hear about your decision making process in the comments!
Download the phone wallpaper and poster to help prompt you to consider a decision that’s been on your mind.
