Can People Change?
Openness. Conscientiousness. Extraversion. Agreeableness. Neurotocism (a personality trait characterized by a tendency to experience negative emotions, such as anxiety, worry, depression, and self-consciousness.) These are the Big Five Personality Traits developed by a psychologist named D.W. Fiske. Research has shown that people’s personality traits are pretty consistent, meaning they don’t change much over time. I’m sure you’ve heard stories about people who promise they’re going to change for the better but end up making the same mistakes over and over again. And, alas, someone will say, “People never change.” I’m not sure I believe it. I think there are two secret ingredients that make change possible. Stay tuned…
The Big Five Personality Trait Test
A co-worker and I administered the Big Five Personality Trait Test to a group of patients we were working with, just for fun. We thought it would be helpful for them to see where they land on the spectrum of each trait, what they like about their personality, and identify an area or two they’d like to change. I never ask patients to do an activity that I haven’t done so I took the test as well. I scored as very open, pretty conscientious, in the mid-range of extraversion, highly agreeable, and low in the area of neuroticism.
As I entered my responses to the 50 question test, I thought about how I’ve changed over the years. I’m much more conscientious now than I was 30 years ago. I’m also less neurotic than I was 35 years ago. These traits didn’t change overnight but I definitely see small, incremental changes that have happened over time. They’re mostly changes I’m happy with, probably because I’m pretty reflective and intentional about the direction my life is headed.
A few of the patients were unhappy with their results, not because they didn’t feel like the results represented them -they didn’t like what they saw. As you can imagine, anyone who is spending time in the hospital to work on their mental health is probably scoring higher in the area of neuroticism than the average person. Some weren’t as agreeable or conscientious as they’d like to be either. Most patients are severely depressed so they’re not going to have the energy to take care of details like someone who is happy or at peace would have. They may also be in an unhealthy relationship. Dysfunctional home lives don’t usually make us agreeable.
I emphasized how a high score didn’t necessarily mean “better.” For example, scoring high in the area of extraversion isn’t necessarily better than a low score. There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert. It simply means that being alone recharges you, not that you don’t like people. We also discussed how being too agreeable can be a harmful trait if you don’t defend yourself or make sure your needs are met.
We took time to look for our strong, helpful traits and discovered ways to utilize them to our advantage. For example, if someone with an addiction problem noticed they were open and friendly, we talked about different ways they could meet sober new friends. We then identified a trait we didn’t care for or wasn’t serving us well and set a goal to diminish it. Someone who was quick to anger could set a goal of counting to ten before they respond to someone who’s upset them.
Making Changes
Then we talked about how difficult it can be to change. I shared what I believe to be the secret ingredients to change. Surender and desire. Let me explain:
Surrender can be a tough pill to swallow, especially for controlling people like me. Surrendering can be broken down into three steps:
The first step is acceptance. We have to accept we have a trait or behavior we don’t like, even if it hurts to believe it.
Then we have to be willing to see that it’s not serving us well. Identifying the problems the trait or behavior have brought us can be a helpful way to start.
Finally we have to do the most difficult step, which is letting it go. This can be painful. Think about all the negative traits we hang onto out of fear. I spent many years drinking so I could ignore a feeling of insecurity. Drinking was my friend. It gave me courage. It made my life more fun. It helped me ignore the voice that would whisper in my ear, “You’re not good enough.” I didn’t want to hear that voice, have a boring life or be afraid.
Then we need a desire to change. We can’t force it to happen and no one can make us change. If they do, the change won’t last. Desire is magical, or some would say spiritual. Sometimes it comes down to being so uncomfortable with the way we’re acting that we finally feel ready. Other times, we get a spark of motivation from someone and strive for something better. Or maybe it’s the balance between being fed up and strong enough to do something about our situation. Whatever it is, I don’t think lasting change happens without it.
Committing to Change
Sometimes we’re ready to change but we try and end up making mistakes. Why is change so difficult? There’s actually a reason. There are neural pathways in our brains that allow us to form new memories and learn new things. Imagine you’ve just learned to tie your shoes for the first time. It’s tricky and methodical when you begin because your brain is building a new neural pathway. After you’ve tied your shoes hundreds of times the neural pathway is developed and you don’t even have to think about it anymore - it’s almost automatic. I like to compare neural pathways to sledding hills. The first time you put your sled in fresh snow to slide down a hill, it’s rough. Your sled might get stuck or go off course. After you’ve gone done the same path several times, it’s smooth and automatic. Your sled seems to know where to go on it’s own. Making a change by adding a new activity, or giving up a habit, is like taking your sled through fresh snow. It takes a while for our brain to want to use that pathway. It’s normal to go off course - we just need to move our sled back to the right path. You wouldn’t expect a child to tie their shoes perfectly on their first attempt. You shouldn’t expect yourself, or anyone else, to make a quick, stress and mistake-free change either.
What About You?
What’s your experience with change? Do you like it? Do you think people have the ability to change? What’s the secret sauce you think makes change possible? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. And if you like self-assessments, there’s a link to The Big Five Personality Test in the resources section.
Take The Big Five Personality Trait Test to identify your own strengths or areas you’d like to change.
The Big Change has a nice article about why we resist change and what we can do about it.
If you are a geek like me and want to learn more about neural pathways, The Great Minds Clinic has a blog post that does a great job of explaining what they are and how they work.